January 2010
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead - Stan Laurel
Church Sign: Don’t Let depression get you down - let the church help!
There’s an old saying – There’s No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was very similar - Geoffrey Parfitt
RT @briandkelley Bad Church Name: Free Assembly Crossed Out
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me
Questionable Definitions - Bedlam n., Loud sleep
The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent - Sam Levenson
RT @WildChildTales - Okay, I’ll admit it. I squeeze the tube from the middle. And always will
True Faith is like going after Moby Dick in a tiny rowboat with tartar sauce in your pocket - Z. Ziglar
RT @Frankhe1 Did U ever notice in women’s magazines there’s 30 pages of recipes, & 30 pages of diet tips?
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not - Mark Twain
RT @briandkelley You will never see a Hollywood thriller movie without this word: America
More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren’t so busy denying them - Harold Smith
Questionable Definitions - Defer v., to remove the hair from an animal
RT @ajinair I am shocked by the number of people who does not believe in God but do believe that Criss Angel has supernatural powers
RT @talks_in_maths Symphony crowds more snooty than theatre crowds. I wore my nicest flip flops & best sarong, but Oh! how they sneered
I planned using my initiative, but nobody told me to do it…
Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions
If you watch the movie ‘Jaws’ backwards, it’s a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they have to open a beach
Questionable Definitions - Administration n., happens to a woman once a month
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness
RT @kellyoxford Just press the remote control buttons harder, the batteries will feel it
Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway..
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? - Milton Berle
The more you know the more you must forgive
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment
RT @donchiefnerd Being on Twitter makes someone a writer in the same way that being on Cops makes someone a TV star.
Opportunity always looks bigger going than coming
Questionable Definitions - Filibuster n., a breast-implant surgeon
RT @Frankhe1 What you should never say to a woman during an argument: “You’re just upset because you’re putting on weight.”
RT @briandkelley What do competitive eaters eat to train?
I think the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades - Demetri Martin
Honk if you love peace and quiet
On a Mother’s Tombstone: I told you I didn’t feel so good
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder - Alfred Hitchcock
RT @Jim_Hamilton There is a school of thought that a little pee in the ocean never hurt anybody. There is a school of fish that disagrees
Questionable Definitions - Aglow n., One light
How’s it shaking? Young people say NO to handshakes - http://cli.gs/shake - Do you still shake?
RT @3hoss I think scientists should invent a plant that cries whenever you yell at it and that way you wouldn’t have to water it very much
I’m man enough to admit that broadway show tunes make me clap my hands like a happy Australian. Um… That was a quote. Really.
RT @briandkelley I tried to buy it at Target, but I missed
Before you can be eccentric, you must know where the circle is - Ellen Tracy
Weird Hotels - http://cli.gs/weirdHotel
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually - Steven Wright
RT @Frankhe1 My doctor suggested I cut back on red meat. From now on, no more ketchup on my hamburgers
Questionable Definitions - Cannibal n., guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter
RT @briandkelley Movies for slackers: Back to the Futon
RT @StephenAtHome obama got jury duty in IL? guess we can add “changing address with dmv” to list of things he hasn’t gotten done this year
A nation is just a society for hating foreigners - Olaf Stapledon